Look at my carpet

At daycare, my daughter pulled a piece of lint from her hair and proudly exclaimed to her friends

Daughter: "Look at my carpet!  It goes in there from when I roll around on my floor..."

Screwed

My wife was watching a soap opera on TV today.  A scene is happening where some guy was behind a woman and pulled out a gun.

Daughter: "Oh noooooo!  She's gonna get SCREWED!"

Plain Milk

Part of our daughters bedtime routine is to ask for a cup of milk.  Usually when story time is already over and she should be in bed.  Pretty much a stall tactic.  She doesn't even drink it half the time.  This time she asks for it right before story time.

Daughter: "Can I have plain milk?"

Wife: (As she's sitting down to read a story) "Can you ask daddy?"

Daughter: "No, I'm already sitting down, so you can go get it by yourself."

Donuts

It's Sunday, and I usually wake up super late since I start my work week today at 9pm.  My daughter sees me and says...

Daughter: "I had a good morning Daddy!"

Me: "Why did you have a good morning?"

Daughter: "Because I woke up and now I get 5 donuts!"

Me: "You're going to eat 5 donuts?"

Daughter: "No, I'm going to have 1 donut, but mommy is going to have 3."

Bedtime

So, it's bedtime and my wife is doing the bedtime procedure with my daughter.  This consists of a brushing teeth, bedtime story, etc.  My wife finally tucks her into bed and asks what story she wants to read.

Wife: "What book do you want to read?"

Daughter: "How about you come back with plain Milk and we can read Itsy Bitsy Spider..."

Froggy

So, I just get out of the shower and I am putting my contacts in.  I am having a rough time since the mirror is foggy in the bathroom.  My daughter notices this and says:

Daughter: "Oh, it's froggy?"

Me: "No, it's FOGGY."

Daughter: "Oh, it's froggy!"

Kinda like this...

My Butt is Coming Out

My daughter is potty training right now.  Today she was sitting on the potty and she starts to grab her "woman parts" and starts to STRETCH them and started laughing.

Daughter: "Look daddy, my butt is coming out!"

Similar to this story about Louis CK's kid...

http://youtu.be/7vRhr502wIc?t=4m7s